The life I chose

Why is my alarm ringing so early? Is it that time again? I don't want to leave the bed. I feel so lazy, but i'm hungry, so yeah.. I'll probably leave these sheets. I open my eyes, rubbing with my hand, looking for my beloved one.

Benji: Tris?? Are you awake?

He's sleeping next to me, he didn't hear the alarm. So i let him sleep and i get up slowly, going to have a shower before breakfast. I moved to LA  months ago because i decided to live the life i always wanted to live, without any.. obstacle. I'm gonna be a famous boy, soon or later. American Dreams i'm devoted. But i never thought that would have meant waking up at fucking 8am!!

I can hear Tristan yawning so he's awake now, getting out the bed and enters the bathroom.

T: Oh sorry baby... I thought you were having breakfast

B: i was waiting for you to wake up!

T: Aww cute! I'm gonna prepare some eggs

B: Kisses.... under shower!

I look at him with big puppy eyes as long as he walks to me for a kiss, innocent and fast, he never likes to break my privacy under shower. He's very different from my... old experiences. I'm not sure this is what I expected from our relationship, but it makes me happy and it pushes memories away, so it's fine. Now i'm completely awake and ready for this new day!

T: I'm going to visit mom this afternoon.. but.. you know

B: yeah yeah, she doesn't know you like D

T: Don't say it like that...

B: like how?!

T: Like something bad...

B: you're lying to your own mother, not me!

T: whatever

He lows his eyes, looking at the eggs to avoid my look. I should learn how to not over react to things that piss me off, but how can i agree with his lies? We've been together for months, we live together, and his mom thinks we're friends. Friends don't kiss like that. Well.. I- Oh come on! It's different.

He looks disappointed and sad, I don't want him to leave like that.

B: I'm sorry. I'll wait home until you come back

T: Ok... thanks..

He smiles at me, playing with my wet tuft of hair dropping on my face, he gets lost in my eyes every time he looks at me, i can feel his endless love for me just noticing his eyes. He looks so much happier now.

~ 16:00 ~

Tristan left me alone at 15:40 and it's just 16pm. It's gonna be a long wait! I took some selfies but i'm tired of changing my make up, i'm gonna do something useful. Later, now i'm gonna read some tweets. I like to know what people think of me and how fans reacts to my posts, but since that happened i stopped to read their comments about me, because people were so mean and hateful towards my content. I know it was my fault, but we moved on right?

It's incredible how i have a boyfriend and everyone keep asking me about my ex, I don't even know if he's alive! But nobody would believe me if i say Jorge blocked me since then. He probably hates me, but who cares, it's the past now.

Let's do some Tik Tok in the mean time.

I hear the keys in the door's lock, what? Is Tristan already back? He opens the door and walks in, he looks mad and worried. What happened now..

B: Baby are you home? I thought you were going to visit your mom!

T: I... i was going.. I.. everything is fine.

He's shaking in front of me, he hides something behind his back, he looks nervous as he's avoiding my eyes. I never seen him like that, why is he hiding from me?

B: Baby i'm here everything is fine! What happened?? Is your mom ok?

T: I didn't go! I- oh my God...

He starts crying, he looks so terrified. I'm worrying about his safety, but he doesn't look hurt, just he can't find the words to explain. I walk closer and I hug him tight, caressing his back and his hair to let him calm down.

B: What happened? — I whisper.

T: My car... I had a car crash with a fucking hippie van i don't know i-

B: an Hippie van?!

T: Yeah... yeah I didn't see it and I.. nobody got hurt..

B: Thanks God! How are you? You got scared?!

T: Yes.. yes!

B: What are you hiding? Is it the documents for the crash?

T: Y.. yeah.. it's ok i got this

He suddenly pushes me away, as if he doesn't want me to know what's in the documents. I don't think he's lying, he's crying and trembling. He rubs his eyes, cleaning off tears, he walks away with that papers in his hands.

B: You don't trust me enough to show me those papers?!

T: It's not that! Just.... I don't want you to worry! I'm fine and the insurance will pay so it's gonna be ok!

B: Then why hiding from me?

T: Just.. don't mind! Ok? I'm gonna have a shower, i need to calm down.

He walks away after put the papers inside his desk, in the living room, and i'm here dying to know what's written that i can not read. I sit down and wait until he finish his shower, but i'm so curious. I shouldn't be reading it if he says it's fine, i should trust him.

But why is he the one not trusting me?!

Fuck it, i'm reading.

Car crash.. at 16:06.. Volkswagen Camper Van... driver... ... .... ... wait.. wait what?

How is this possible... wait... my mind.. my mind is blind.. what?!?

T: I ASKED YOU TO NOT READ!!

He walks fast to me and takes the paper off my hands, he looks so mad at me but i can't move. I'm paralyzed, i can't feel anything, i can't hear his voice. I can see Tristan yelling at me but it's like i'm under water, I feel dying, what... how is this possible??!

T: ARE YOU LISTENING?

B: I-... I....

T: I.. don't like that expression Benji..

I'm crying, but why?! I can't control myself. I lost every ability to control my own body and emotions. His name. I'm not sure if i'm awake or dreaming but... that was his name. I shouldn't care. We broke up. But I have so many questions... he blocked me and never answered... i need to talk to him.

B: Take me there.

T: No.... please Benji no! It's over it's fine let it go!! We're not gonna meet them ever again!

B: Them?! He was with someone?! Who?!

T: Some.. some guy I don't know him

B: Take me there!!! I need to talk to him

T: Stop it!! If you love me please let go!

B: PLEASE TAKE ME THERE!!!

T: There's no way i'm going to.

I'm shaking and crying. It's hard to breath, I honestly feel my heart so heavy right now. I sit down on the floor grabbing my shirt. My heart hurts. I can't stop crying. Why is he looking at me like that?! I feel so ashamed and weak. His name.... it's.. it's just his name.