The Feeling Everyone Talks About (Pt.2)

I walk into my classroom, keeping my composure, I couldn't possibly breakdown at that moment, I would be ridiculed for it. She was still standing outside the door, she looked sad, and unhappy.

I sat into my seat and put my head down, all I wanted to do in that moment was lose myself in my thoughts.

As my head lies on the cold, hard, wooden desk-top, I slowly divulge into my inner thoughts and experience something I never had before.

There were thoughts, I didn't enjoy these thoughts, but they were there.

It was like I were talking to someone else, yet the other person was me.

I had no idea what to think, all I felt was sadness, I had never felt more empty than in that moment.

The thoughts were malicious, as if they were trying to take out my joy, happiness, hope, and soul.

The thoughts consumed me, I felt as if I were consumed by some darkness I had never felt before.

The thoughts hurt more than anything.

"You can't do anything right."

"You're not good enough."

"And you never will be."

Tears started to well up inside of my eyes, but they never showed outside of my eyes, just like a mirage. As the tears started to become heavy I covered my face by using my arms as pillows. I thought it was pathetic that I was crying over my own thoughts. "I-" I start thinking, "I- I really can't do anything right, can I?"

While I'm stuck in my thoughts, I start to hear my name getting yelled, instead of paying attention, I stay in my thoughts, I felt safer there rather than the real world.

"CHARLIE!!" Mrs.Wright yells.

I finally look up.

My face was expressionless besides a single tear that I wiped away.

"Why are you sleeping in my class?" she asks.

The whole class in unison started going "Oooooo."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was alone in my thoughts, thinking," I reply coldly.

"Look Charlie, I can tell when someone's having a bad day, and you fit the picture," she starts. "And I know you're one of the smartest in this class, but I need you to pay attention. What if the principal walks in?" she says.

I take some time to think about what she had just said. After about a minute of silence,

"I will try to pay attention," I finally reply.

"Thank you," says Mrs.Wright.

"I don't want to be here, I just want to lock myself in my room and never come out," I think to myself.

The bell rings with the same monotone sound that I'd been hearing for two years.

I grabbed my bag and my pencil, I get up slouching. I begin to walk to my next class, athletics.

Athletics, the people who have strong spirits and are athletic can survive this class. As for me, I never survived it, I hate when people yell at me, and I'm not very athletic to say the least.

I get to the locker room and unlock my cubby, I didn't even get a locker. That's what I get for not playing football. I continue to start changing into my uniform. I take off my cotton shirt with ease.

"Hey look, it's man-titties!!" yells someone in the locker room. A arrogant jock comes behind me and flicks my nipple, thinking he's a comedian.

I ignored it all, my mind was still racing with the thoughts.

"Everyone hates me."

"Everyone wants me to disappear"

"I'm just a toy for amusement"

The coach did attendance like normal.

"IS CHARLIE HERE OR NOT GOD DAMIT!" the coach yells. I wasn't paying attention, I had been staring at the ground while thinking about why I was feeling this way, why I was having these thoughts.

"YES SIR, I AM HERE!" I yell back.

He moves on with the rest of the attendance, another coach, named Coach L., none of us knew what the L. meant. He was in charge of the people who don't play football, called for us. We went with our normal routine of going to the weight room. I'm not very strong, I can never lift weights, I can't benchpress, incline, or deadlift. But the one thing I can do is squat. My max at the time was about 180.

I go to put my weight on, I put a 50 on each side. I started thinking, "this'll hurt my back like hell, why am I doing this?"

I took the weights off and put on 25's instead. I lifted the weights for what felt like forever, I realized how useless this was. The lifting was useless, but so was everything else, why even go to athletics, why even try.

"Alright put your stuff up and run to the locker room, y'all got eight minutes!" yelled Coach L.

I quickly put up my weights and my bar, I run to the locker room with about two minutes left.

I change quickly, very fast.

If athletics ever taught me anything, it was how to change really fast.

I put on some bar deodorant while some kid puts on spray deodorant right in front of the fan.

I run to my next class, the passing period had already started. While running through the hall, I realized how dull my school was, and how run down it was.

After running for two minutes across the school, I arrive to the door of my Math class. My teacher wasn't even there. It was fine, I personally don't like that teacher, she would've made my day worse. My crush, or newly ex'd crush, however, was, I sat next to her in that class.

We waited outside the door, the teacher never came, rather, in her place, a substitute teacher came.

We entered the room and I sat down next to my crush, we had some awkward silence. That class felt like an eternity. Since the sub had no idea what to do, we sat there that day.

When the bell finally rang, I walked to the schools front doors.

I walked home, my house was right across the school.

"Watch where you're going kid," a driver yells at me.

"Sorry!" I yell back.

While walking I continue having the thoughts.

"You can't do anything!"

"Give up"

"Go die"

As I get closer to my apartment door, I start to reach into my pocket for my key. I pull it out.

"Heh, my lanyard broke, must've been when I was messing around with Carmen," I think to myself.

I unlock the door and step in, I take off my shoes and don't organize them like I normally do, I lock the door and go to my room. I'm home alone for 30 minutes.

I start walking over to my bed.

I drop my bag and fall to my knees.

* * *