3 BUT I NEED TO BE APART FROM YOU

A college student's memories.

[EROS' POV]

"I got the answer! What do you think of this?"

Ellis asked about his computation.

Next week is the start of our exam and I'm teaching him his subjects, we still stay at the same university.

I'm about to graduate next month while he is in his 2nd year of college taking up the course of Architecture which I admire so much.

He works so hard to get here and now, he consistently has honors throughout the years. I'm proud of him.

"Let me see." I say as I put on my glasses and check if it is right or wrong or just needs some improvement.

Since we started schooling together, I've been with him through thick and thin. I teach him whatever the things that I know and I help him with his exams.

Then, as he grows older, he's becoming more independent but he still the little brother that I know of.

We are in my room and we're sitting next to each other on the floor while we're using my folded table.

"El, it's correct..." I say to him.

"Yes! Finally!"

"But..."

"But what?"

"But, you need to explain more about your computation. Write here the given, the formula over here..." I say as I write it down.

"Okay, okay, I get it. Let me try more!"

The good thing about him is that the more he grows older, the lesser shy he gets. I think he's becoming more mature. But there are times that he is still my little brother.

I write down another computation as he looks at my hand and I can feel that he's looking at me.

I got used to these stares when I'm with him, whenever I talk, I stare at other things, I eat, or I talk to others, I always feel that he's staring at me which I found it not weird but cute.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Like what?"

I look at him and say, "Like that."

He still looks at me and his whole face is red.

I still don't know what kind of stare is that.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Why? What's wrong with my face?"

"El. Your face..." I check his forehead, "You're not hot but your face is red. Is it hot in here? Should I open the air condition-"

"D-don't worry. I'm fine." He answered but in a panic way.

He's really adorable.

"Are you sure? Or you want some ice cream?"

"Ros, I'm not a kid anymore." He pouts.

I smile, "You still are."

"No, I'm not."

I continue to write and as I finish writing, I gave the paper to Ellis and he starts to answer it.

"I'll be back, I'll just get some water." I say to him and I went downstairs to get some.

-----

As I went back to my room, I see him already sleeping on our folded table while still holding the pen.

I smile.

I put the glass at my bedside table and I slowly seat beside him.

I carefully remove the pen from his hand and put it aside.

His face is facing in front of me and I noticed that he has ink on his nose.

I smile at his adorable sleeping face.

"You always have this when studying, El." I whisper and I get a tissue from my bag and I slowly wipe it.

I'm looking at his face, he has a pointed nose, red cheeks, thick eyebrows, and eyelashes that everyone's jealous of which is according to him from his classmates, and chestnut-shaped lips which I always stare at.

Why do I always stare at those lips? I really don't know either. Maybe because it's cute and unique to have those or maybe I just want to kiss-

What!

No. What am I thinking?

I stopped wiping when the ink came off.

I suddenly froze.

Why did I even think that? A brother can't think that! I'm his brother for god's sake. I'm his brother. Why...

I sit back and away from his body.

"Why did I even think that?" I whisper.

"R-Ros." He called out and yawned.

"Did I fall asleep?"

I nodded, "Drink some water." I got up and gave him the glass of water.

"Ah! That's refreshing!" He smiles and continues, "I forgot about the equation!"

"It's okay. We still have plenty of time."

"Ros." He says and looks at him.

"Y-you're about to graduate... um, you'll be starting to work right?"

I nod.

"Did you already have a plan?" He asked.

Actually, I have 2 or more plans after I graduate, it's just that... all of it is something I'm selfish of. But, I'm still going to do it.

"I'm still thinking." I smile.

"Can I suggest something?"

"What is it? Do you have plans for me?"

He smiles, "I'm thinking we can help mom with her bakery business, she's getting older, so I think, you can handle the business while I can expand our store, I have plenty of designs that are really suitable."

He really is growing up.

I already thought of that but, it's not one of my plans and I don't have any plans with him or my mom.

That's making me selfish.

"Do you think it's a great idea?" He asked.

I smile, "El, that's a great idea."

"What do you think? Can we plan it already?"

"I don't know... I can't think well."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I think I need some ice cream." I answer.

As much as possible, I want to change the topic for now. Because I know, he'll react once he knows what my plans are.

"Not fair. So, is it my treat now?"

"Of course, I already treat you last time, so it's your turn." I chuckle.

"Fineee." He sarcastically said.

-----

After a few days.

"Ros, sweetie, I know you want something else and I want what's best for you. I'm grateful because you told me about it. But what concerns me the most is how Ellis will react."

Ellis is at the university doing his group project while I got home early. Mom is here and I decided that she deserves to know.

"I know and I will accept it whatever he will say." I answered.

"I remember your dad because of you. He was a quiet person but when he decides something, he will put everything aside except his heart. He chose his freedom over us and it made me mad and hurt... but, I understand him. He was scared. He was scared of becoming a failure father to you and that's why he left."

I can feel that I'm already in tears.

"Sweetie, I respect your decisions, don't think this as an abandonment, okay?" She held my hands while I'm trying to stop my tears.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Ros, I expect that someday, this will happen, I'm happy that you can decide things on your own, I know it's hard but you managed to tell me this." I'm hugging my mom right now, this is my selfish way, I hate it but I want it.

"Y-you're going to leave?"

A familiar voice came from the kitchen.

It was unexpected since I know that he will be late but he got home early.

"El?"

"You're going to l-leave me? U-us?" He's about to cry and before I got to say something, he dropped his bag and run outside.

"El!" I shouted.

I got up and ran after him.

-----

"El!" I shouted again as I see him running to the park.

"El, please, let me explain-"

"No, d-don't. You don't need to explain anything, no, just go away!"

He's mad. I know he is.

He's not looking at me, he's walking now wherever he wants to go. There are a few people here, it's almost nighttime.

"El, I will tell you everything, it's just-"

"Stop! Y-you liar!"

It hurts.

I know he is crying and whenever he cries, it hurts. I don't want to see him cry.

"El, please, I don't want to do it but-"

He stops but he's not looking at me.

"Y-you lied to me. You promised!"

I closed my eyes and that is when it flashbacks when I first told him that I will protect and take care of him forever and that I will-

"You will stay by my side, forever." He continues and I looked at him, still not looking at me.

"El." I softly say.

"And you said, my idea is great and that my plan will be your plan as well. You didn't even consider it! Because of what? Because you already have a plan, to begin with! Which is, I didn't even know. What am I even to you?"

I'm walking towards him and I'm still facing his back, "El, don't say that."

"Don't say what? That... I'm nothing to you?"

I immediately hug him behind.

It's automatic, it's my instinct to do this.

I want to hug him, I don't want him to say these things because it's not true.

"You're more than that, El. I know you know it." I softly say.

I can feel that he is trembling and he's crying again and he says, "I don't want you to go."

And I'm also in my tears.

He's now facing me and suddenly hugs me in front, crying and making my shirt wet, "Don't go. Please, don't leave me."

I hug him tightly.

"I can't... I can't live without you, Ros."

Can I just say something foul?

SHIT.

"Why does my heart hurts like hell right now? Why am I hugging you like this? Why is it so tight like I don't want to let go of you? Why do you smell so good? It's so good that I want to be in it forever? Why do I feel that I want to do the craziest thing that I can think of?"

He lets go of the hug.

"Then do it." He says.

Wait, did I say all of that out loud?

His cheeks are red, his eyes are puffy because of all these crying, and his lips... his lips are also red and wet because of his tears.

"El." I whisper.

"I want you to do the craziest thing you could think of." He says softly but he's still crying.

The next thing I knew, my lips are touching his.

There are no people around.

It's already nighttime.

Fireflies are all over the trees.

It's quiet but my heart...

No, our hearts are loud.

I'm kissing him, I'm kissing him slowly. All I could think is his soft and chestnut-shaped lips that I always stare at. This is the craziest thing I could ever think of.

The last thing I knew, this is my last memory of him.

•••