1 THE PRESENT DAY
Lost in his shadow
Walking by these empty lanes, I see myself fading away…
Yet I know…
Somewhere deep inside of you, you loved me and it was true…
Each moment I missed, a moment of love…
Now just left with memories back when,
A lonely girl trailing the solitary lanes…
Love was there and love will be…
The flames will burn in the air it breathes.
Even though you never loved me back, I'll love you for eternity.
You'll never know how much you mean to me…
I didn't know how to confess what my feelings are;
If only I could know, if the doors to your heart were ajar…
I would have poured out what I felt back then.
And those times have passed…
Just left with memories back when,
Now a lonely girl trailing the solitary lanes…
It was too late then, you were gone…
But this day I have so much to say,
Just one chance to tell you is all I need…
How much I loved, for you I lived.
And here I am, forever yours to stay…
Yes I mean forever, for that I will try,
Hope you will come one day to pass me by.
Sometimes I feel, I am a bit too late…
Too late to feel this way…
But I will try it again some day…
And as time has passed, things have changed, I am still in your love, but you have moved away.
I am not able to handle this pain, my mind has stopped working, this seems to be end of his love.
He was standing in front of me, tears were rolling down , but he didn't saw them; I was sobbing silently, he didn't heard it; my legs were shivering, he didn't noticed it.
The one standing in front of me, didn't resembled the same character of a person who was deeply in love with me. I don't know what should I say to stop him from leaving, all I can do is, nothing, but to watch him go, he left me behind and moved on, I kept standing there till he faded away from my sight, I never imagined even in my wildest dreams that it would have a bad ending.
31January,2014.
Sitting on the cold floor of my terrace, my heart is sinking, I have formed a lump in my throat, I am shattered, those words are hovering in my ears continuously, which I heard 30 minutes back.
'I am sorry cashmish, but we don't have any future', these were not just the words, they acted like a sword which had tear me apart.
I don't even remember for how long I was in that position, crying, very deeply, thinking how much he used to love me & now how insensitively he left me, not even giving a single thought, how will his cashmish live without him.
While my mind was occupied with all those memories , his words were still echoing in my ears, after laying on the floor for some hours, I don't remember how many; I stood up, make my way to the edge of the terrace, and stepped up, on the pavement where the grill is attached to, looked down from there, I was just 3 floors above the ground level, thinking to myself, 'if I fell down, I will drop dead and this endless pain will end in no time'. Then came another thought, 'what if I survived?, if that happen it will only add on to the suffering and agony which I was feeling inside, it may also result in disfigurement of my body'. Then came one more thought, "what is the use of this body which is lifeless, what is the meaning of my existence when I have lost my love".
I decided to jump off.
I moved my right leg around the grill to go to the other side of it. I was sitting on the grill, my left leg was on my terrace(which was a safer side), and other leg was on the other side, hanging in the air.
Sitting over there, thinking to myself, that was it my mistake that he left me, or was it god's will.
I had a strong fear sitting over there, which kept increasing every micro second, fear of 'how will I lead my life without him', who will whisper in my ears,"cashmish I love you". 'who will do sit ups In McDonalds for reaching 2.15 hours late', 'who will wet my cheeks with his running nose while kissing my cheek', 'with whom I will whisper over telephone late at night', 'who will make macrony for me, and will spoon feed me till its last bite', 'who will sit on the backseat of my scooty and hug me'. The fear of not being able to see him making 'ewww,it tastes disgusting' faces while having vegetable juice, that fear was forcing me to just end it.
Suddenly I heard a voice, my dad calling out me for dinner from first floor, I decided to jump off quickly before he arrive the terrace.
I was about to take my left leg to the next side of the grill that he came up. Shouting- what are you going to do, what the hell is wrong with you, have you lost your mind? (Silently I said, yes I have lost my mind, my heart, my soul, my everything.)
I was still in that position.
He moved forward towards me & said in a caring and painful voice- 'don't move beta', dad is here, everything is fine my child, just don't move, I ignored him, I kept looking down to the street, he came to me& grabbed me tightly in his arms & took my leg from the other side of the grill back to the terrace & then started shouting at me with pain, grief, anger, all those mixed emotions could be seen clearly on his face.
I am sorry papa, but why are you shouting. Oh my god, do u think I was going to jump off, no dad, I was just playing, doing some adventure, its real fun, I think you too should try along with me, but this stunt requires body balance, do u have it ? I started laughing on my own act.
He scolded me again.
Okay pa, I won't do this again, I promise. Somehow I managed to make him believe me that I had no intentions to jump.
With each and every passing day things are becoming complicated for me. My mind is not able to register the fact that this beautiful chapter of my life is no more. I am loosing self control day by day, strong feeling of anxiety is ruling over me, my feelings are making me weak on my knees, I am sobbing loudly, I have come on my knees and continuously praying to get my love back.
But it seems that god is least interested to listen to me and return my love back to me.
Something is dying in me every day, I feel suffocated, lifeless.
I can't even die. I have nobody with whom I can share my feelings, so I decided to give them words. I shared it with my dear diary.
